The time I went on a four-hour whale watching trip and yarfed into the Pacific
Originally published August 2014
Before we boarded the boat, signs were there that things might not go well.
“Don’t mind me, just dropping off some souls.”Sea Wolf II, pride of Amity Island and also our ridecaCAW, motherfucker!The fog and the sea seemed part of each other. It was like walking on the bottom of the sea. As if I had drowned long ago. As if I was the ghost belonging to the fog, and the fog was the ghost of the sea. It felt damned peaceful to be nothing more than a ghost within a ghost.* Eugene O’Neill, LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (* until the puking started – Crystal Jackson, THE PUKENING)beginning of JAWSrough seas, that waySeals and Croftsit was right about here when I realized my decision NOT to take Dramamine was, in fact, the wrong movebut, you know, DOLPHINS, so I tried to will the bad feeling awayat least the sun came out so we could go home with a souvenir sunburn (I brought sunblock, but because my hands were firmly locked on the deck’s railing–except for the occasional picture–I couldn’t retrieve it)whale tail – this would have been more exciting had I not recently returned my breakfast to the sea from whence it came my only consolation is that an estimated 25% of the passengers on Sea Wolf II also gave a gift to the ocean – most of us multiple times – we’d made a pact to keep it together, but then one chick let ‘er rip and that was all she wrote – it was like a disaster film, though my two traveling companions were untouchedmy hump, my humpwow, this is so amaz–and I just puked on my braidif some topless chick with a fish tail came up to the boat at the worst of my journey and offered to take me to her undersea city, I wouldn’t have asked about the wifi connection or whether they have Tex-Mex – anything to get off this lurching, rocking boat (which, by the way, one of the crew said experienced rougher waters than usual)he knew what I did, and he was disappointedat the end of the trip, my glorious, orderly consolation prize (look closely)
A final note: I’m absolutely going to go whale watching again–properly medicated. But if you come with me, don’t stand too close.
Our lady of perpetual awkwardness 